


Sleepless nights in burning sheets

by cc5



Category: The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: F/M, Heavy Angst, certain tags excluded to avoid spoilers, see notes for CW/TW, sorry tags are hard, this might make you feel miserable
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-01
Updated: 2020-01-01
Packaged: 2021-02-27 08:28:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,987
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22054069
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cc5/pseuds/cc5
Summary: She made it to Alexandria at last, set approximately mid season 10. Here are reflections and a conversation on a starry December night, and Dog is a being a good puppers.
Relationships: Daryl Dixon/Beth Greene
Comments: 10
Kudos: 26





	Sleepless nights in burning sheets

**Author's Note:**

> Oh hi! I don't think this thing contains a huge twist, but in case you like ambiguity, I didn't want to give it all away in the tags. 
> 
> But clearly, CW/TW are important, so please find them below and be safe:
> 
> \- reference to self-harm  
> \- grief/mourning  
> \- major character death  
> \- no happy ending  
> \- misery

The noise was unbearable. No, maybe that wasn’t true- it was the joy, the unbridled delight that caused her unease. With every sip of homemade shine their laughter grew more genuine, as if they truly started to forget the pain and suffering, and maybe that was the whole point. Maybe she should just drink to forget that most of the people she called her family were in graves, but she’d rather help keep watch while these people acted a fool. 

This place, like so many, unsustainable. And not because of lack of food or other resources, but that was an old story she was tired of retelling. 

It was not fair, perhaps, to expect them to feel like she did. Her grief was fresh, theirs was not, as she had only recently joined this community and learned about the certain death of her loved ones. None of them should’ve come as a surprise, and yet they did. In a way, she had long buried them in her mind, never expecting to see them again and it had been easier that way. To assume their death and trying to move on, which in many ways she had. And not at all, it seemed, and her head hurt just like her heart and the latter was the worst of it all. Being alive on her own had been hard. Dangerous, for someone of her stature and young features and an advantage all the same: she couldn’t even count the times she’d been underestimated and picked as an easy mark. Arrogance was more dangerous than a small frame when it came to survival, a lesson her and her opponents eventually learned each time. That’s what it boiled down to, her against them. And in this place, there was no  _ us.  _ She didn’t try hard enough, didn’t want to try, which alienated her from most of the community, with the exception of a few. She found herself not able to care about fitting in. Her sister wasn’t here, friends were lost, and those still alive had moved on. Michonne was at Oceanside with Carol, and it was better in many ways not to see them daily, the distance between them so deep, they were practically strangers. Judith likely didn’t remember Beth, and that made the delayed reunion more bearable as well.

Staying at Daryl’s place felt foreign. But it felt like a home, too, unlike his prison cell that was never truly lived in, this place was warm and personal: little items collected over the years on display, drawings from the children, clothes washed and folded on a shelf and not stuffed as wrinkled bundles in his pack. His crossbow, not the same but so entirely him, hanging from a hook as if merely a decorative centrepiece, but by no means unused or forgotten. 

Sheets, a made bed that smelled like him, smelled slept in, extra pillows even. Dog toys, because of course he had a dog and of course his name was  _ Dog _ . It didn’t surprise her that a dog had a last found his way to Daryl, very different from the one-eyed mutt they’d met at the funeral home. 

Much to Beth’s annoyance, or comfort, she wasn’t sure, the four-legged furball would stick to her side like glue. As if wanting to make sure she stayed, despite her general disdain for the community. 

Even now, as she guarded the perimeter, he clung to her side, and she was glad for the warmth. Tonight’s occasion for celebration was New Year’s Eve, the date universally accepted by the communities and celebrated to the fullest. With exceptions of course- Siddiq was carrying a fussy Coco wrapped in warm blankets along the quiet streets of the zone to get her to sleep, and Aaron had let her know that he would stay home with Gracie, should she look for company. Both men were, in their own ways, the closest she was willing to get to the members of this community. Siddiq being her doctor, despite her hesitancy to see one, and Aaron as one of Daryl’s closest friends.

Not that it mattered much. Her body ached with exhaustion from the insomnia plaguing her, from the usual pain since she got shot in the head, from the pain she inflicted on herself. Anything to feel other than the emptiness of being, anguished by her sheer existence. The loneliness, the ungratefulness and guilt she couldn’t shake, the despair and heartache it was accompanied by every morning the sun rose again and all of them did not- 

And yet… yet here she was. Petting a dog who sought her companionship on a starry December night. 

“Penny for your thoughts.”

She sighed deeply, the feeling of inadequacy still tearing its way through her core. 

“Just that...you were made for how things are now. I still think I’m not.”

“Gotta have a little faith in yourself, Greene. Came pretty far on your own, didn’t ya.”

A scoff while she glanced at him, cigarette dangling from his lips as he looked out toward the sky, nodding upward. “The big dipper.”

“Ursa Major.”

“Fancy words, girl. Big fuckin’ dipper is jus’ fine.” 

Glancing at her with that almost smile on his lips and for a short moment she felt contentment bloom in her chest. 

“Course it is.”

“Ain’t gonna join the party?”

“Are you?”

“Still askin’ silly questions.”

Dog whined, nudging her thigh. It hurt and for a second she snapped out of the train of thoughts consuming her before he continued. 

“Could try a little harder to make this place your home. I know what you’re up to. I know whatcha doin’ to yourself, girl.” 

“Gonna give me a speech now?”

“Ain’t a child no more.”

“Haven’t been a child for a long time.”

“Ain’t that the truth.”

She laughed, though it wasn’t funny, but her lungs filled with cold air over and over and her laughter rang louder than she would usually allow. Tears started to fill her eyes, and Daryl kept smoking into the night air. She was glad for it. Didn’t want him to look at her getting all hysterical.

But he wasn’t done. 

“Gotta get a grip though. Gotta start livin’ again.”

“That’s rich, comin’ from you.”

“Livin’ ain’t easy, but dyin’ certainly is.”

Her breath shivered at this, shook her shoulders as the need to reach out, to touch him rose up at once. She was so cold and tired and she hated that he got to speak the ugly truth. 

“Don’t say that,” she whispered.

“Say what?”

“Please don’t make me say it. I’m not ready, Daryl.”

“Can’t even say it but can take a blade to your skin and then pretend you’re jus’ fine?”

“Stop it!” She hissed to keep herself from shouting, curling her hands into tight fists and pressed them into her thighs, knowing full well how much it would sting. 

“ _ You _ have to stop. You gotta keep on goin’, Beth.”   
  
“You know, I liked it better when you talked a lot less.”

It was a lie, and with tears brimming in her eyes she kept on staring into the stars. She dreaded these conversations but needed them, too. Craved the honesty because Daryl wasn’t one to lie for anyone’s sake, but the sadness that followed was overwhelming. 

“Someone’s gotta look out for Dog, girl. Seems to me he chose you for that.”   
  
“It’s just not fair, Daryl. I was so close. _ So _ close and just a few weeks too late-”

“Don’t matter none. Can’t change what’s done.”

Finally he dropped the cigarette and faced her.    
“You’re here now. You made it. You’re the last woman standin’.”

Tears finally fell freely, and she hated that she stood crying in the dark with a concerned Dog licking the back of her hand. In all her years seperated from her chosen family, she had never felt this kind of loneliness. She could practically smell the cigarette and campfire smoke, the sweat and dirt- she still remembered that night hiding out in the trunk of that car, all muscles tense and heart working in overdrive, for fear of the walkers finding them, for the closeness to the man she had slowly started to fall in love with. 

“I miss you so bad, Daryl Dixon.” 

“Miss you, too, Beth.”

Sobs racked her body as she let go, finally allowing the emotions to exit and sank to her knees. Dog tried his best to comfort her, but it was impossible to accept his attempts at licking away her tears when all she wanted was the embrace from the man in front of her. 

He did kneel down, at last. And he looked so real to her. But she had to let that go, too. Because even if it was what she needed, to look into his eyes to ground herself, it was insanity. She was not just refusing to move on, she was losing her mind.  _ Maybe that’s what happens when you get shot in the fucking head.  _

She closed her eyes, willing her breathing to return to normal and the tears to stop. 

A few weeks too late. Barely a month- The Whisperers already defeated so there was no revenge she could set her focus on. No enemy to bludgeon. No blood to spill but her own when she took the blade to her own skin to  _ feel _ . Not to die, because yes, dying was easy. Why she punished herself for not being able to prevent his death was something that Siddiq tried to talk to her about, and she only listened half-heartedly. 

But Daryl was right, of course, and listening to a dead man was definitely not sane.

Keeping her eyes still closed, she could almost feel his breath on her face. Her clenched jaw started to hurt from suppressing her sobs. She knew it was just the breeze tickling her skin, but she needed that illusion a tiny bit longer. Wanted to imagine that he really kneeled here, ready to tip his forehead to hers. Maybe his hand on her shoulder, too. As long as she kept her eyes shut, just one more moment, she could pretend that he would do it, any second now, and this nightmare would end, that she had found him after all.  _ Inhale, and exhale,  _ but that was just make-believe. Like every other time she made him appear by mere desperation, a ghost and nothing more, nothing less. 

Earlier, she had seen his grave, moonlight illuminating the wooden crosses just beyond the settlement. Too many graves, too many names, some hurt more than others. She should take comfort in knowing that Daryl wasn’t alone in the afterlife, would never be alone anymore. But the uncertainty made it feel empty, more make-believe perhaps. 

It was time to let him go. Why not now, on the precipice of a new year.    
  


She exhaled deeply. Part of her wanted to open her eyes one last time and look into his. The memory of them, but still so real. But she knew she had to be strong now, she owed him that, owed this to herself. Dog still sniffed her kneeling form, paw on her knee. He was tangible and real, and maybe she needed to hold onto that now. Another deep breath as she felt for his head, pulled him closer to her chest, inviting the comfort he was willing offering this time. 

She wept again, voice shaky, because what she needed to say was dreadful. “You’re gone, and I have... I need to let you go now, Daryl.” 

Dog whined and snuggled closer to Beth. She allowed herself to seek solace in his warmth, and when the tears finally stopped, she opened her eyes. Daryl was gone, but Dog was there, and she could hear the faint chanting of the New Years countdown from the within Alexandria. 

“Happy New Year, Dog. Guess it’s just you and me now.”

**Author's Note:**

> Had part of this sitting in my docs for a long, long time, and it was time to finish it and get it out there. As much fun as it was to try my hands at fluff and smut, I really wanted to get back to the darker side of things. And why not killing a character again?
> 
> If you point me in the direction of similar stories, I'd love that. It's not a new concept, but it sure was fun to add my twist to it.
> 
> Thanks to my friends for the encouragement and love❤️.
> 
> And thank YOU for reading. Happy New Year!


End file.
